Too Much

T
Her pain fills my head and turns my stomach.
Her body is scarred
And her soul is being stepped on.
I recognize the symptoms
In this good person, this person so amazing,
the person beside you, exhibiting the oblivious practice of lunacy and cruelty
that accompanies addiction.
My own soul screams with fury
to know that she experiences NOW
the desperation still resident in myself after so many years passed.
Her pain is fresh and worse for it,
Compounded by a body weak and torn
by a sudden barbaric disease
treated with equally barbaric physical loss.
It is wrong. I am angry – so angry
desperate to alleviate the pain impossible to appease.
The physical will pass after a time,
A time too substantial.
Yet the anguish that tears your life from its moorings,
And requires an overwhelming strength and a responsibility of self to break free,
that pain lays minefields in your head and redirects life itself,
it is here and laying lifelong traces.
Now is a terrible time for recognition's appearance and pain's awakening.
Will the body allow her head to enact the motions necessary to save herself?
Will the crushing responsibility of SELF set her free?
Or will it bury her under the debris.
Why now?
And here I am,
Hundreds of miles away again.
Trying to work out what to say, or do, or not do.
What to think, how to help.
The world feels like such an evil and acrimonious place
offering only the feeblest of comfort or hope.
I love her so much.
I would give anything.
I only want her to be okay.
I want to help but am helpless.
I feel it throughout – I know for certain.
It’s too much.
By Karen

Recent Posts

Had a stroke. Changed my life. Food. Art. Health. Activism.

Delete & Repeat is my artist reflection on living a healthy lifestyle, including creative expression and really good food. Its name is derived from a 2017 stroke that disrupted my life. ‘Delete & Repeat’ became a mantra of frustration for me as I struggled to organize my thoughts and communicate properly.

At the time I was a full time artist working in various new media, happily programming and creating electronic sculpture, interactive video & maintaining a full schedule travelling teaching, and showing.  The stroke effected my cognitive abilities and effectively shut down my career.

It took time and a complete change of lifestyle to recover. Primary to my effort was diet – I undertook a combination of keto with the addition watching inflammation to both lose weight and regain clarity. I added in regular exercise and yoga – and pursued a regular practice of research and learning.

In the food section I will post some of the recipes I live by. These recipes I follow my personal guidelines – they are not all super low carb (I currently stay in a low level of ketosis without the need to actually lose additional weight). In the health section I will include information and links to information that I come accross and see as potentially helpful, as well as things that I believe have helped me including exercise and yoga as well as cognetive practice in research and learning.

I am not a health professional of any sort so please do your own research. Where possible I will notate references.

After several years of effort things are paying off. I’m writing and working again. My art had been paused – it just recently picked back up. I have also renewed my commitment to activism – so important in the troubled world we live in. I intend on helping to right wrongs wherever I can. With my art – and whatever else I can find.

My Name Is Karen

This blog is meant to reflect me as a whole. I choose at this time to not publish my complete name – I’m just not there yet. I need the safety net of anonymity to protect my first real attempts at art again. Just call me Karen, but throw the name’s stereotype out the window. I am simply me.

January 22, 2020